On career, ego, ambition, money and peace.

Perhaps a generalised sense of uncertainty about the future and not making detailed plans is becoming more common as the world collapses in so many fronts. Perhaps it’s also part of being an adult that is child-free by choice that gives me space to be more open than many others can afford.

Recent conversations and reflections with close friends and other people also working in sound has helped these bubbles of thoughts become a bit more organised. Despite many ‘career' advice’ content out there, for me it has been extremely important and even pivotal to understand the role of one’s identity and ego as relating to career and work. Another subject that is hardly talked about (I think!) is the mental and physical implications of financial struggle - and I mean when you don’t know how you’re paying your rent in two months and, no: there are no parents to help you out either.

After high-school, throughout my bachelor degree and the abandoned master’s program I attended for one year, I worked on shopping malls, mostly clothes, shoes and sport stores. Needless to go into details about the exploitation of young adults like me just trying to get by and definitely not aiming for a future in those companies. Throughout those years I felt real shame and embarrassment of working in such places: I felt that embarrassment in university and I felt it at the workplace when customers typically regard the staff as inferior and less deserving. I had a need of showing I was quite intelligent and was studying something I considered interesting and not as common. I was not advertising myself as such, but surely I thought that was relevant to show how ‘different’ I was from my colleagues (whom, in turn, I also looked at with a certain disregard). In class, I felt very frustrated for not having the free time that other students did to explore their creativity deeper or to study more. I worked an average of 30 hours weekly and I was permanently exhausted. I barely made it in some courses.

In these years I really wanted to assume myself as a sound designer. This was so important for me to present myself to other people. It was my identity, it was me.

Fast forward around a decade, I still consider what I do interesting and I like it even more, but whether that defines me as person, I don’t give one, and I don’t believe it does or that it is very important.

A few things I’ve lived along this time period have shaped this.

The first one, which I mention to Asli on Vadi Talks, was that I was working as a sound supervisor, designer, editor and mixer (there is already a problem here, isn’t?) in a rather beautiful feature film. There was a lot of glam around the very pro film gear on the filming locations. But… I was severely underpaid while working often 12+ hours daily, the agreement was breached a lot, and got moral manipulation attempts from the director at some point. My anxiety was at the highest, I was smoking marijuana nearly every night to ease the pressure off, and finally after one year, I was allowed to burn out and to re-consider this film career that looked so great from afar. The problem was - how will I make money? I was paying 750€ monthly for a room in Stockholm. Obviously this was not my first bad gig; there had been others, but not with this immensity. I knew I couldn’t and didn’t want to do this any longer and although I really loved sound design.

My best moments in life during this period? Spending time with my good friends and doing the little travelling I could afford until I couldn’t. Yes, I had awesome breakthroughs and unforgettable moments of creativity and learning while at work, but I was also sitting in a windowless black studio in a soon-to-be demolished building.

Now, 1-2 years later what really broke me down was while working in a post-production studio that looked like a promising job in a beautiful city - and my private life was a total nightmare. There was no sound design passage, no compliment, no film credit ever that could make my life better.

A few more years went by and I ended up living in my current location where external achievements matter very little: the most important thing is to be part of the community in the way that you can. An award or a title doesn’t make anyone a better or a more useful neighbour. Fortunately I have the great privilege of benefiting from the good aspects of a countryside life - hundreds of birds, millions of flowers and starts, a certain level of quietness, laziness and ease, trusting your neighbours, unbelievable safety, etc.

With this coexistence, and for someone who has love inside and is minimally aware, also comes the knowledge of how the system is severely impacting natural spaces in rural communities but actually how the solution won’t pass government organizations and structures, but trust, work, listening. Listening is the currency here, as I say often.

For the majority of my life I’ve been environmentally concerned, yes. But it’s living where the crops grow or fail due to extreme or unusual weather events and having neighbours that actually work the land, understanding what’s at risk when there are big land owners is what made me think of the direct impacts at a personal, economic and community level.

So how does my field recording and sound designer ‘identity roles’ / social media descriptions fit here? By employing its skills and not the mere title that grants likes and followers. In itself, the professional titles and designations with no utility feel shallow and pretentious if I named them out loud. Reflecting on this made me think more of reciprocity and service much rather than feeding my ego only and expecting praise. From people I’ve met who don’t separate their identity from what they achieve to do professionally, the sense of a fragile ego is screaming loud, everything is taken as a personal offence, and they tend to forget their inner qualities that makes them likeable and appreciated.

All this being said, I am in amazing place in life where I can direct many hours of my days towards what I love, I feel overall respected through my work, which has been allowing amazing connections and friendships. The relational aspect matters more and it’s very much about inner peace, less to direct professional achievements.